One box at a time

There are times when so many thoughts are in my head I wish I could take a freeze frame to capture all my emotions. I've always dealt with emotions very poorly - avoiding them seemed the best tactic. Recently I've been better with dealing with them but I have to keep each category very organized and separate from the next. I often imagine my head as a card catalogue at a library -- each category fits neatly in its own box with separate thoughts and expressions.

My career box is always very neat, organized and full. I am constantly busy and happy - pursuing the next challenge head on determined to be the best. I think I have a great ability to think in business terms. I know how to read reporters, manage client needs and impress my superiors. (I also know how to do the exact opposite of all of these so its a delicate balance) I like a great challenge - I like feeling like perfection is within my grasp. Perhaps my greatest motivation is I also hate the possibility of failure. I think all these traits have created work ethic that I'm proud of and, with time, my successes will attest to.

Another equally as full and clean box would be my friends and family. I love both. I work hard to make sure they are happy. If asked, I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for them. It's part of the reason I feel so bad that I expect so much honesty and communication out of them but I have to admit, I give little of myself in return. In fact, I can honestly say I've never shared with anyone everything I wish I could -- there are some skeletons that must remain in the closet.

Other boxes such as personal finances, relationships and faith seem to have good days and bad days when it comes to organization. I think the day I will ultimately be happy with myself is the day all of these are equally tucked away. Then perhaps I won't wake up in the middle of the night worrying about my checking account or questioning if I really believe in love.

One day, I'll have it all figured out, color coded and sorted. Until then, I'll have to take my happiness one card catelogue at a time.